I have 46 minutes to write this, and that is quickly turning to 45.
I'm tired and I hate this transition weather. I'm thirsty for something new, someone new, someplace new. All of the people around me and my daily routine are draining the life out of me, I can feel it. It isn't just Indiana, it isn't just being this close to Chicago (Hell), and I can't blame it all on stress either.... it's like I have a magnetic pull to empty shells of human beings; boring tedious people that have nothing better to do than make everyone around them feel guilty and stressed out. I'm not talking about one person here. Everyone I have met so far in South Bend has had this effect on me. It might be me, but I really doubt it. I remember being at the Peak of....I don't know, I felt like I was learning a lot and like I was satisfied. Peak of Spirituality? I remember being there, and I didn't have friends, didn't need any. I started meeting people, and now I just want to leave all of this behind.
I will, soon enough.
Reading:
The Secret History by Donna Tartt
The Last Night of the Earth Poems by Charles Bukowski
Ariel and other Poems by Sylvia Plath
Thinking about Reading:
The Hobbit
30 November 2006
01 November 2006
4, 18, Halloween, Thanks Giving, and a happy new Year
I'm not completely sure why I'm writing. I worked at the Cafe until 7:30 or so for Halloween and I was on my way walking home when the Beautiful Eliana offered me a ride, and being the Romantic that I am, I accepted. What a mistake. I was fully aware of all of the energy in the air and I wanted to enjoy my Cinnamon Stick coffee with a feeling that it might be okay. Already after only 10 minutes of being outside, I received a gift from above and had to ruin it with sitting in Eliana's 2 door shiny sportscar. I'm somewhat infatuated with her. Her eyes are black and she has something.... something below all of the superficiality that living in the h-o-h most of her life bred her. She is amazing, and she doesn't even realize how so. We had a probable date set to watch Sleepy Hollow and smoke, but I knew I'd end up falling asleep early. I knew that riding in that car would ruin my night. I knew, also, when I got home that I shouldn't call Michael, because he would say something to depress me. I knew that I shouldn't get online and chat with people. I knew that I should have gone to Indianapolis with Jeff to complete the circle, but I didn't. I should have. But didn't.
It might be okay.
All of my admissions garb is in to the College and now I'm waiting for them to send me my packet of stuff to fill out. Everyday is one day closer to my being gone. Every year, on my birthday, around Halloween, sometime before Thanksgiving and Christmas Hell is born, I come to conclusions about the year that just passed. I realize who my real friends are this year. It's funny how it is usually the same people every year, but this year, there is a new name. I wonder if he is my real friend, and I wonder how much he really cares. I'll see. This is not a test. He says that I am his best friend, and if so.... he'll call me on my birthday. To wish me good luck for my 19th year on earth. I already know that I'll call him to wish him luck on his 29th year of existence. Good luck. Not the kind that four-leaf clovers bring, but the kind that having 3 people on your list brings. That's all you really need. 4 corners, 4 elements, 4 people. 25%. 25. 3-22. ?.
I might just be very Borderline for saying this, but maybe it is permanent.
We are truly friends.
TS CS
We have our ups and downs.
I probably experience less of them, being in the middle, but it doesn't change.... anything at all.
So hypocritical. I never come through on 3-22 or 5-29.
Never.
I'd come through on 9-9 and 11-18 and 1-10 and 6-20 and probably even 7-10.... but.... not....
I'm sorry.
I really am.
I try so hard to be the kind of friend that I'd want to have. I try to treat other people the way I want to be treated. To cushion the truth when it will be harsh. Don't stab me in the back, stab me in the heart. I'd do that for you.
But.
I didn't this year.
I was more selfish at 18 that I had been at any time before. Hopefully, 19 will be better. I couldn't have asked for more adventure or emotion or Spiritual Growth. I couldn't have asked myself to use my time more wisely or to waste more of it.
Waste what?
Time?
No.
What I'm trying to say is.....
I know who my real friends are.
I have 3.
Maybe a few more.
But I have the 3.
This year, I'm thankful that I have friends at all, after the year of hell I've put them all through. I'm grateful that I have a mother and a father and 2 brothers that haven't disowned me. I really am. And then, there is the obvious, I'm also thankful that I can still push a pencil across paper, that my eyes haven't turned brown, and that I can still empathize for and love people.
I'm glad I'm alive.
Today.
I am.
That I didn't allow myself to drown in alcohol or dxm and that I didn't pull the fucking cord at 18, when I knew for sure that I would.
It's kind of funny how you know for a FACT that something will happen.
That you'll do something.
Then, because of the smallest thing, you don't.
It might be okay.
All of my admissions garb is in to the College and now I'm waiting for them to send me my packet of stuff to fill out. Everyday is one day closer to my being gone. Every year, on my birthday, around Halloween, sometime before Thanksgiving and Christmas Hell is born, I come to conclusions about the year that just passed. I realize who my real friends are this year. It's funny how it is usually the same people every year, but this year, there is a new name. I wonder if he is my real friend, and I wonder how much he really cares. I'll see. This is not a test. He says that I am his best friend, and if so.... he'll call me on my birthday. To wish me good luck for my 19th year on earth. I already know that I'll call him to wish him luck on his 29th year of existence. Good luck. Not the kind that four-leaf clovers bring, but the kind that having 3 people on your list brings. That's all you really need. 4 corners, 4 elements, 4 people. 25%. 25. 3-22. ?.
I might just be very Borderline for saying this, but maybe it is permanent.
We are truly friends.
TS CS
We have our ups and downs.
I probably experience less of them, being in the middle, but it doesn't change.... anything at all.
So hypocritical. I never come through on 3-22 or 5-29.
Never.
I'd come through on 9-9 and 11-18 and 1-10 and 6-20 and probably even 7-10.... but.... not....
I'm sorry.
I really am.
I try so hard to be the kind of friend that I'd want to have. I try to treat other people the way I want to be treated. To cushion the truth when it will be harsh. Don't stab me in the back, stab me in the heart. I'd do that for you.
But.
I didn't this year.
I was more selfish at 18 that I had been at any time before. Hopefully, 19 will be better. I couldn't have asked for more adventure or emotion or Spiritual Growth. I couldn't have asked myself to use my time more wisely or to waste more of it.
Waste what?
Time?
No.
What I'm trying to say is.....
I know who my real friends are.
I have 3.
Maybe a few more.
But I have the 3.
This year, I'm thankful that I have friends at all, after the year of hell I've put them all through. I'm grateful that I have a mother and a father and 2 brothers that haven't disowned me. I really am. And then, there is the obvious, I'm also thankful that I can still push a pencil across paper, that my eyes haven't turned brown, and that I can still empathize for and love people.
I'm glad I'm alive.
Today.
I am.
That I didn't allow myself to drown in alcohol or dxm and that I didn't pull the fucking cord at 18, when I knew for sure that I would.
It's kind of funny how you know for a FACT that something will happen.
That you'll do something.
Then, because of the smallest thing, you don't.
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