Decision Day

D-Day. Decision Day.

I was writing in my journal today and I finally gained some clarity about my living situation. I have been struggling with the decision to A.) stay in Bloomington and get my own place, even though I have no friends or support system or B.) move back to Ft. Wayne and finish my degree at IPFW.
I came to the realization today that maybe the reason I don't have any friends and haven't been able to make any connections for a long time is that I need to focus on myself and on learning to be independent.
I moved in with Dan in October of 2007, during my first semester of school when I was 19. I have never lived alone, except for a couple months when I was sharing a house with a TV-addicted 47 year old and a couple of months when I was sharing a place with a materialistic, scared little boy (Thomas).

I need to live alone and I need to be alone. Moving back to Ft. Wayne would simply give me a network of people to depend on for acceptance and approval. I need to learn to accept and approve of myself. So, I'm going to stay in Bloomington. I decided to come here for some reason, and it will be a real action of self-trust to stick to that decision. It may be hard, but anything worth doing is hard.

I've made it through a lot of crazy shit in my life: through the chaos that was most of my childhood, through many sick relationships and friendships, through very intense depression, suicidal thoughts and desires that lasted sometimes months on end, through extreme feelings of social isolation and rejection, and through many, many decisions that compromised my integrity and the Truth.

So, I am strong and can make it through this and I think that I'll be a better, more well-adjusted, and comfortable person in the end. Maybe I'll even like it.

The Way Up

Sequel to The Way Out

You’ve chased your tail,

now you’re at a stalemate,

running down every dead-end corridor

psychotically beating on every door.

The only way out of this maze is

Up.

The blue, buzzing ceiling lights are unpromising,

so I must face the lies within myself and rise above them.

Gazing up, up into the heavens of my mind,

my eyes detach from my head.

These dreams of you are bricks on my ankles,

keep repeating,

but I never thought I’d let you defeat me.

You are just a part of me.

I’m still here.

I wake up suicidal with the dreamsicle sunrise,

though the light behind my eyes burns on

and compels me to live.

To live, I must overcome;

crawl out of the comfortable cocoon I’ve trapped myself in

and fly up, away.

I’ll still be me and I am the problem,

it’s no man, no city, not my mother, nor society—

I must transform my head,

stop choking myself to death.

Gazing up, up into the heavens of my mind,

my eyes and ears detach from my head,

no longer can I be led:

astray by the illusions I hear and see;

into the black, stormy ocean with bricks on my ankles—

I can’t swim.

I’ve gotta face that, stop following you or I’ll drown.

If I chain my ankles to the hollow ground

I’ll be dead and buried before I learn to live.

I tried giving this world all I had to give

and it smeared shit in my face,

I became a dog.

All it took was three words and an expression,

my life was undermined,

compromised as a building sinking into sandy soil,

should I throw fireballs back?

The only way out of this maze is

Up.

Gazing into the heavens of my mind,

my eyes, ears, and mouth detach from my head.

I inhale a crisp, autumnal breath,

remember:

each time in the past the leaves fell, Everything died, winter came,

and It was reborn.

05 September 2009