autumnal equinox

as the autumnal equinox grows nearer, I wonder more and more about what the coming year will hold. I really don't want to idealize everything down the hill of hopelessness. at night before I sleep, I try not to picture the way that things will be... I plan, and I really hope that just hoping is enough, because it is all I can seem to do anymore. I can say every night to myself that, tomorrow, I will try to rise above whatever today's shortcomings were, but the only way to really know whether the catalyst for them has disappeared is to wake up in the morning and let time tell.

He really was right when he said that "Only time will tell," but in more ways than he could ever possibly know. I always had a million questions, and the answer to them was always just this simple. Now that I have it, does that stop depression from coming over me? Does it make me love him any less? Or become more patient? No, no, no.

(m)(m)

I finally wrote the letter and mailed it. It took 4 months, 14 shots of gin, and 92 insect bites... but I really think that I may have actually used words to express myself truthfully (at least 92% so).

muse

okay this is what is going on with pumpkin spoon, that stalker-chic girl:

• applying to RISD and some other places
• working on my portfolio of course
• quit my old job and now I have a new job at the zoo
• haven't been sleeping much, summer insomnia, so I've been studying and reading, thinking about things to incorporate into my art, taking pictures, thinking about the issues and problems I have had/ am having in life and pondering different solutions to these such dilemmas
• doing spiritual exercises as much as possible what with the idealization of M haunting my mind and soul
• looking inside; continuing to search for truths within a girl whose entire perception of life is loosely based on nothing (lies).

reading:

Jean-Paul Sartre's Essays in Existentialism

Kerouac's Big Sur (yes, still)

Deliberate Prose/ Selected Essays 1952-1995/ Allen Ginsberg, Edited by Bill Morgan

studying:

Egon Schiele Drawings and Watercolors by Jane Kallir

The Origin of the Gods: A Psychoanalytical Study of Greek Theogonic Myth

may i feel said he poem by E.E. Cunnings; paintings by Marc Chagall

Lucian Freud paintings

Lawrence Ferlinghetti