Decision Day

D-Day. Decision Day.

I was writing in my journal today and I finally gained some clarity about my living situation. I have been struggling with the decision to A.) stay in Bloomington and get my own place, even though I have no friends or support system or B.) move back to Ft. Wayne and finish my degree at IPFW.
I came to the realization today that maybe the reason I don't have any friends and haven't been able to make any connections for a long time is that I need to focus on myself and on learning to be independent.
I moved in with Dan in October of 2007, during my first semester of school when I was 19. I have never lived alone, except for a couple months when I was sharing a house with a TV-addicted 47 year old and a couple of months when I was sharing a place with a materialistic, scared little boy (Thomas).

I need to live alone and I need to be alone. Moving back to Ft. Wayne would simply give me a network of people to depend on for acceptance and approval. I need to learn to accept and approve of myself. So, I'm going to stay in Bloomington. I decided to come here for some reason, and it will be a real action of self-trust to stick to that decision. It may be hard, but anything worth doing is hard.

I've made it through a lot of crazy shit in my life: through the chaos that was most of my childhood, through many sick relationships and friendships, through very intense depression, suicidal thoughts and desires that lasted sometimes months on end, through extreme feelings of social isolation and rejection, and through many, many decisions that compromised my integrity and the Truth.

So, I am strong and can make it through this and I think that I'll be a better, more well-adjusted, and comfortable person in the end. Maybe I'll even like it.