First Time

For J.R.C.

For the first time, I’m in love, mutual & real.

It’s not the “love” delusion: one-sided, clusterfucked,

chaotic & complicated, drunken BLEVEs,

when I waited for frayed electrical plugs to

attach to my heart sockets. Then caught on fire.

 “Love” was incomplete, temporarily corrupted me.

Repeatedly trying to prove my worth was a diversion

as it reeled in & putrefied my heart inside its iron fist.

Eventually disillusioned, I let go & it reluctantly let me go.

I had to give up before I could find you.

Oh and we’re both skeptics—doubting it’ll last.

Our egos always want more certainty.

We wait for a perfectly comfortable explosion,

while missing the answers, barely audible

by ears accustomed to detonations of mayhem & mania.

Tomorrow’s not guaranteed. Perfection is imperfection.

Simplify love & simplify life. Accept what is:

Simple joy & beauty of just being with you.

Simple truth that I’m here, so I must belong here.

Simply sharing our suffering & joy, our contentment.

Simple.

This, here & now exactly as it is, is happiness.

I’m blissful in the moment.

Simply…intense, it’s indescribable.

I see & feel it to my core when I look in your eyes…