Maybe nothing ever completely ends, but this is close enough.
R.I.P. it up and Start Again
Showing posts with label [Fin]. Show all posts
Showing posts with label [Fin]. Show all posts
15 November 2009
09 February 2007
End of an Era
My era of unhealthy relationships is over, finally. I have never felt better and more optimistic about what life can be, about what I can make it, and who I can become. It is kind of disappointing that Providence didn't work out, but I guess that's life. I can stop running from it now. I've learned a lot about who I really am and about what matters.
Hello, I'm Jessica, it's nice to meet you. I am quite eccentric and a lot less normal (whatever that is) than I thought I was. Way too melodramatic, but I don't cave under pressure. Hand me anything to do and I can get it done, no matter how ridiculous it is. I have this amazing ability to adapt to anything in only a short amount of time.
My goals since senior year have been, at best, off-the-wall and way too idealistic, and I've realized that if I put more thought and planning into my life, it could be something interesting and amazing. Dropping out of school and going to California was the first attempt at ruining my life. Continuing in that insane relationship (up until yesterday) to end up 860 miles away from my family and my stability, after a year and a half of driving myself fucking crazy with failed plans and psychoanalysis, was the last straw. I always thought that, for life to be interesting, you had to be doing something extreme but that is just not the case.
I don't feel guilty this time. I'm nineteen and I did what I knew: I chased a guy around the country hoping that he would love me as much as I was obsessed with him. I justified it, made excuses, and hurt a great many people in the process. Maybe now I'll stop repeating my mom's life and get started on living my own.
I am completely satisfied with the idea of living in Indiana and going to IU and doing whatever I have to do to find some sort of psychological, spiritual, and physical stability. I know that is what I need; I've talked Thom's ear off about it. I'm satisfied with making art and finding out more about myself and also with giving travelling and moving around a break for a couple of years, until I can honestly say that it is what I wanted to do.
Hello, I'm Jessica, it's nice to meet you. I am quite eccentric and a lot less normal (whatever that is) than I thought I was. Way too melodramatic, but I don't cave under pressure. Hand me anything to do and I can get it done, no matter how ridiculous it is. I have this amazing ability to adapt to anything in only a short amount of time.
My goals since senior year have been, at best, off-the-wall and way too idealistic, and I've realized that if I put more thought and planning into my life, it could be something interesting and amazing. Dropping out of school and going to California was the first attempt at ruining my life. Continuing in that insane relationship (up until yesterday) to end up 860 miles away from my family and my stability, after a year and a half of driving myself fucking crazy with failed plans and psychoanalysis, was the last straw. I always thought that, for life to be interesting, you had to be doing something extreme but that is just not the case.
I don't feel guilty this time. I'm nineteen and I did what I knew: I chased a guy around the country hoping that he would love me as much as I was obsessed with him. I justified it, made excuses, and hurt a great many people in the process. Maybe now I'll stop repeating my mom's life and get started on living my own.
I am completely satisfied with the idea of living in Indiana and going to IU and doing whatever I have to do to find some sort of psychological, spiritual, and physical stability. I know that is what I need; I've talked Thom's ear off about it. I'm satisfied with making art and finding out more about myself and also with giving travelling and moving around a break for a couple of years, until I can honestly say that it is what I wanted to do.
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