restlessness

I
just don't
want to try
to have hope
try
to be happy-complacent?-
try
to understand anymore.
Because the restlessness
(Anxiety Boredom Tedium)
come when trying subsides-
read: they could not exist w/o trying in the first place.
Calm before storm.
Why not just dive in face first
ride into the night
thunderstorm
and face the blackness that
is in the tunnell.
Or else I might not
really be able to appreciate
the sunshine on my shoulders.
Light at end of tunnell.
The restlessness comes from
a feeling of obligation that I
draw out of myself by
expecting of myself
the hope, happiness, understanding
that I am trying
for.
When I sit down and feel obligated
(by myself)
to make something amazing,
the restlessness blankets
me and there is no possible
way
that anything beautiful
will ever make it out
Like a fire being suffocated,
these expectations
kill the beauty the gems
in the mine that I [could be, am trying
to shine.]
All of My Responsibilities
only exist
(Press down so hard on my chest on
my heart so hard)
because I am punishing
myself
for existing in the first place.
I "have to" because I exist and
I prevaricate really living within my existence
BECAUSE I "HAVE TO"...