The Ugly Narcissist

My grossly underdeveloped clusterfuck of a subconscious
was perforated by a sanctimonious Narcissus:
mottled sheen, bottled scream—
I felt you in my uterus,
thing
& heard your heart
disintegrating.
& I could sleep, scream, sleep—
ugly dripping & purged off my limbs
soaks silk sheets
screams violet, spit flying.
The heart no longer beats
in my cunt continuum
overdrawn by dissent, I spurned,
now 25 years gone & spent, unearned.
Apparently, not a lesson learned. Judgment cast down from the ‘better-than’ saints, made of plaster. Unwanted advice from a fucked up disaster, criticize me on your stilted horse, hypocrite, your moral recourse: bullet-point list of my transgressions.
Fastidiously record everything I’ve done wrong
everything I will do wrong
everything I am wrong
the very essence of me: fucked,
& how you know you’re right
& advise me, compare me
& try to never, ever come across a mirror.

But you can't avoid it forever.