caffiene withdrawal

I went back to Fort Wayne for a few days, and it didn't feel like home, and now South Bend doesn't feel like home, but that doesn't mean that I wanted to stay there, because it didn't feel like home either. Home is where the heart is, right? Where is my heart? Well, I could say that it's with the people I love, but they're scattered all over the country. I could say that it's inside me, but I'd just be fucking fooling myself really, because I know that my heart is scattered all over the country just like everyone else that I love, just like I am mentally and emotionally and spiritually. Spiritually, I'm already gone. That's to say, I'm not here. But I'm not in Providence yet either, I'm kind of just on my way there. Like in the way that, physically, matt is on his way to Arizona (prison). I'm not sure what attracts me to that city. Is it Michael? Do I miss starving, maybe? Maybe I just feel like I didn't get to experience it completely, for what it was worth. Maybe it is the ghosts of HP Lovecraft and Poe lurking about that really attract me to the place. Maybe it is the fact that Jack Kerouac was born not too far away, that I could ride the T to new york city and boston every weekend if I had the money and the urge to. It really is all of these things. Maybe it's just that it isn't here. I don't know why I feel like I have to justify it to myself. I'm not wishing anymore. I've done all I can, I've taken the steps. I have a couple of stupid things left, and now it is all in someone else's hands.
If this was the last day of my life, what would I tell people? What would I say to them. For starters, I'd want to tell michael that the whole reason behind the red letter was just that I want one more chance. I need it, because I really don't feel like it's over. I feel like there is something still there. I'd want to tell him that he doesn't have to try so hard to impress upon people the idea that he is intelligent, because he is. I'd want to tell Carly that if she would just stop trying to be original and unique, that she might be, that she is when she isn't trying. When she just is who she is, without trying, those are the times that she really makes me feel like I could just cry forever because she really is beautiful. I would tell Sarah that it is okay. That it is going to be okay. That life makes itself okay, but if she really wants to be happy, she going to have to not accept okay as enough. She's going to have to face that fear of rejection......

I faced my fear of rejection. It does seem so childish. This basic human fear. It is the root to all of the lacks that we have as we grow up, that I had growing up. Lack of self-confidence, lack of self esteem, lack of grip on reality, lack of self identity. That's what the red letter was. I wrote it, and I knew that he'd say, "Jess......." and he would tell me that it was never going to happen. He'd reject me, but it didn't matter, because he knew that I knew. But I don't think that's it. I might have a fetish for rejection. Maybe I just don't want to hear the truth, if it means to hear some things about myself that are actually good.

No I'm not that fucked up.

.....But really, I'd want to tell her that I love her, but I haven't always. That she isn't my best friend and she hasn't been for a very long time. I'm not learning from her anymore, just like I'm not learning from Angie. They're both teaching me how "very bad men are", but not really. More like... how very bad turning into your parents, into white trash, can be. I think the phrase originated in the South and moved to the Midwest. I'd want to tell Thomas... what? What would I want to say? I've already said it. I don't really have anything to say to Sarah. Carly... yes I have something to say, but it isn't important. Thomas... I might have something to say if he were here. Michael, I don't really have anything to say until I see him again, because anything that I say is meaningless at this point. It all could very easily be based off of my idolatry of the man, my idealizations, and not on the actual person.

I don't really have anything to say to the world right now, today. Except that I have a headache, I'm cold, and I really just want to go hang out with Jeff, I want a connection, but I should draw. I'm not going to. I'm sick of drawing, I'm not giving it up, I'm just waiting for there to be... that real feeling like I can create.... to pick up the pen again.