mechanics

I can feel all of my dreams and all of my goals, fantasies, and drive imploding . I can feel the lightning and sparks of electricity from above, from around, shocking me like an endless seizure and I wonder when I'm going to wake up from it...... snap..... out of it..... and have that feeling like I've been crushed by a Dumpster truck. None of this is mystical. I lost my job today. My cat ran away about 2 weeks ago, matt left. I'm taking these things for what they are. What do I do? I mean, obviously if my finances don't come together because of this, I can't go to Providence. I can't stay here. If I do, I'll turn into an alcoholic, or worse yet.... my parents. If I don't have a partner, it's not like I can go travelling. Would I want to? no. I'm not 17 years old anymore. I'm just going to keep hoping that my finances come together, that I can get a counselor reccomendation, that a dorm clears itself up, that these things all happen. Only time will tell.

In the course of 72 hours, I've realized that I can see. I have eyes. I can see what is really there, and what is really going on. I am who I was then, fitter happier. I'm not in doubt of who I am as a person. I doubt whether that person can function in society. Whether society will accept her for who she is. I won't change. I won't let my eyes become gray and dulled, nor my pencil, from the lies that this Hell seems so eager to force into them. I can see how much 'fitter happier' than I was then, at 5 years old, but it is really only a matter of introspection and exploitation. The more I find about myself and the world, the easier it is to exploit their weaknesses. As a society, I realize how very little people know about one another. How little art there really is. How very little leeway there is for real, genuine obscurity.
The more I find out about my true self, the more I can exploit these corruptions- fitter happier-
I already know that I'm never going to fit in anywhere. There are a few people I feel comfortable with, and vice versa, but people as a whole do not understand. They don't get my adversion to a car, a cell phone, take a shit, eat your dinner, television. Tele-vision is really just a distraction from intro- and extro-vision. I can't read someone's ora that is on tv. I can't feel the living breathing essence of that person, so if They just decided to replace people with robots, most people wouldn't know anyways, but I would.

No, Pat, our chemistry doesn't work out. I'm sorry I'm not mundane and numb to the fucking core, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm a lot nicer to people than you are. Here is your change. You didn't even smile at that guy. If you're going to be a fake piece of shit salesman, selling your soul, then you could at least do a good job of it.




I just learned how to take off the mask, I'm not putting it back on. I know there has to be some place, some person, in this world that will accept me for what I am-- not how well I can cover it up. Everyday is Halloween. Keep moving.